


"What else do I have to live for?" [Lams/Platonic Hamliza]

by Sammy_is_obsessed



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Lams - Freeform, M/M, Other, Platonic Hamilza, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 08:10:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14911659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammy_is_obsessed/pseuds/Sammy_is_obsessed
Summary: Through their high school years, John and Alexander feel hard for each other, their love growing deeper and deeper. In all honesty, most people who knew they were certain that soon they'd be married with a couple of kids. They were just so goddamn perfect, it was a little much to take. They hardly ever fought and complimented each other about as good as a couple could. Though they both had very out-there, intense personalities, they seemed to balance each other out quite well. It wasn't exactly yin and yang, but something close to that, close enough for them. John was there to help Alexander out of a pinch when he was reckless, and Alexander made sure that his boyfriend didn't get himself killed standing up to someone or proving a point. He just wanted to protect John, he was so good. So pure and special, one of the rare few who was still so kindhearted and did try to see the good in the world and in the people inhabiting it. He could be temperamental, but truly, he loved this world and swore he would protect the ones in it that he loved, and Alexander promised the same thing to John.It really is a shame that Alexander couldn't hold up his end of the bargain.





	"What else do I have to live for?" [Lams/Platonic Hamliza]

**Author's Note:**

> (A/N:) Please be warned you guys that there is heavy mention of death and it is implied that a character is suicidal and that is discussed. Though this warns of major character death, the death is merely explained and the after effects are the main focus of the fic. This one is pretty angsty, enjoy.

Third Person P.O.V:

Eliza knew damn well she was going to have a mess on her hands the moment she started driving to Alexander's apartment, there was just no doubting that. Things were bad, in fact, bad didn't even begin to describe the situation, but she knew she didn't have any choice but to go. This was her friend, after all, her best friend and she didn't even want to think about what was going on in his head.

Alexander and Eliza had been friends starting in the tenth grade and had always got along phenomenally. At first Alexander would flirt and tease with her, and sure, it was cute to see the nerdy fifteen-year-old trying his best to be all cute and impressive, but it was more than a little obvious that he was head over heels for his friend John, and who was she to stand in the way of that? She was absolutely right, too, the pair starting dating about a quarter of the way through the school year, surprising no one. Alexander's flirting with her had since stopped, but through time he and Eliza became outstanding companions and were there for each other through thick and thin.

Still were.

Through their high school years, John and Alexander feel hard for each other, their love growing deeper and deeper. In all honesty, most people who knew they were certain that soon they'd be married with a couple of kids. They were just so goddamn perfect, it was a little much to take. They hardly ever fought and complimented each other about as good as a couple could. Though they both had very out-there, intense personalities, they seemed to balance each other out quite well. It wasn't exactly yin and yang, but something close to that, close enough for them. John was there to help Alexander out of a pinch when he was reckless, and Alexander made sure that his boyfriend didn't get himself killed standing up to someone or proving a point. He just wanted to protect John, he was so good. So pure and special, one of the rare few who was still so kindhearted and did try to see the good in the world and in the people inhabiting it. He could be temperamental, but truly, he loved this world and swore he would protect the ones in it that he loved, and Alexander promised the same thing to John.

It really is a shame that Alexander couldn't hold up his end of the bargain.

It had been a hit-and-run in the middle of the night in a quiet side of town. No one even knew that it had happened until he was long gone. He was dead when he was found.

Alexander would never stop blaming himself, it didn't matter how many people expressed that it wasn't his fault. It could take a million loved ones to tell him that there was nothing he could've done, but it wouldn't do him any good. Because in his mind, it was his fault and his fault alone. He was responsible for John's death.

John had been on his way home from a party – a party that Alexander hadn't attended. He'd expressed at the time that he had some studying to do and he wasn't interested in going only to come home tired and drunk. The host of the get-together wasn't someone he really knew well either, so he didn't see much good in going, but he encouraged John to go if he wanted to. He didn't want to hinder his fun. God, if only he had known the chaos that would unleash.

If only he'd gone with him if only he'd been there to perhaps prevent what it was that had played out. Maybe John would still be alive. Maybe his fiancé would still be in his arms. That was one of the most painful parts, the two of them were engaged. They had planned to get married straight out of college, already beginning to dream about the life that everyone expected them to have together. But it had been ripped from them, John's life stolen from him and with that Alexander's soul.

It had been a week since the funeral had occurred, a week since anyone had seen Alexander at all. His sorrow was more than justified and most of his friends were in mourning as well, but Alexander's state was the most concerning. He hadn't been picking up his phone, hadn't been answering texts and was staying very off the radar. This wasn't like him. He was always talking with a friend or classmate about something and wasn't one to keep so quiet. Perhaps the others didn't notice, too overcome with their own grief, but Eliza noticed, and she was more than a little worried. John had been her friend too. They hadn't been the closest, but they were friends none the less and it was hard to see him go.

Eliza parked her car in the front of Alexander's and John's ---- right, just Alexander's apartment and sat there for a moment, going over what she'd planned to say. She didn't want to be foolish and go in cold, that would be ill-advised. Even so, she was anxious about going in at all, unsure of what it is that she'll be faced with. With a few more moments of thought – and some slight prayer that she'd know how to handle the situation – she walked towards the building and traveled up the three flights of stairs until she made it to Alexander's door and gave it a firm knock.

No sound came from the other side.

Eliza bit her lip and knocked again, a little harder than the first time.

"Alex, it's me. It's Lizzy. You in there?" She wasn't sure what it was that compelled her to call herself "Lizzy." Eliza wasn't even her real full name, it was Elizabeth, so shortening it more sort of felt like buzz-kill. Even so, Alexander used it all of the time, and though in the beginning, she'd expressed her outright hatred for it, it didn't take long for her to warm up to the nickname. She didn't ever use it though, just let Alex say it. She wasn't sure, perhaps she wanted it to compel him to think of the beginning of their friendship, a better time when things were simple and more put together. When things were still good. Even with the use of "Lizzy", the door stayed shut.

A long sigh came past her lips as Eliza knocked for a third time, with more vigor than the last two attempts. 

"Alexander, I know you're in there. No one's seen you around anywhere and we're worried ... I'm worried. Please, I just want to talk to you and see how you're doing. I don't have to stay long." Finally, she heard the sound of footsteps banging against the hardwood and backed away from the door slightly only for it to slam open and reveal Alexander in possibly the worst state that she had ever seen him.

He was dressed in a baggy white T-shirt, with stains of multiple varieties littering it. There were no pants on his lower-half, but thankfully some very tasteful bright pink boxer shorts. He looked thinner than when she'd last seen him, and that was only a week ago, his cheeks sunken in slightly and his skin was pale. His hair was matted and greasy, hanging limply in front of his eyes, eyes that had such dark circles under them she couldn't even fathom when the last time he slept was. Streaks of tears were plastered to his cheeks and the look on his face was heart-stopping cold. Eliza had to will herself not to gasp.

"Listen - Lizzy," Alexander's voice was weak and muddled as he leaned against the doorframe, screwing his eyes shut tight, "Now ... now isn't really a good time."

"Uh- well like I said I don't need to stay too long, but I-," she paused, biting her lip and taking a deep breath, "I've been really worried about you and I just wanted to check up and see how you're doing."

"Well, let's see, the love of my life was just killed and it's all my fault so, yeah. I'm not doing too fucking great." Eliza couldn't tell if Alexander had meant to snarl his speech but that's how it had come out and it had let a shiver run down her spine. She shook her head, empathy in her eyes.

"Alex, no. God no. It isn't your fault. And I understand that you aren't doing well. I get it. Did you want me to - no," she stopped, trying to rethink her words carefully, her thought out plan turning out to be a bust, "Can I come in?" Alexander sighed deeply, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head.

"Well, you're already on my doorstep, I guess. Might as well," he said in an irritated tone. With that, he disappeared inside, and Eliza clenched her fists and took a deep breath before following him. If she thought that Alexander looked like a mess, that did not even come close to comparing to his apartment.

It felt like a million pieces of paper had been crumpled up and scattered all across the floor, like some kind of a snowstorm of recyclable waste. There was an uncountable number of dishes and cups littering every possible surface from tables to the countertop and places on the ground. The kitchen sink was completely engulfed in a sea of dirty plates and though the coffee maker was turned on there was no liquid to be found in it. Every single photograph with John in it was overturned or facing the other way, as was the mirror that usually hung on the wall. The curtains were shut, and the lights were turned out, making it extremely dim and dreary. Eliza felt her heart clench at the pitiful sight as she willed herself not to start crying on the spot. She'd never in all the time she'd known Alexander seen him like this and it broke her in two.

Alexander slowly meandered over to the sofa and sat himself down, staring straight ahead at absolutely nothing, in particular, tears running down his cheeks.

"Why're you here, Lizzy?" He still faced away from her, the tension thick and terrible in the air.

"Alex, I told you, I just wanted to check up on you. No one's seen you or heard from you in a week and ... that's scary. We just want to make sure you're okay." Alexander's head suddenly snapped in her direction and Eliza flinched, feeling her heart beat quickly.

"What part of this looks like I'm "okay"?!" He shouted brokenly, gesturing to himself and then to the room around them, "What tells you that I'm doing just fucking fine and dandy, huh?!" Eliza bit her lip, taking in a shaky breath.

"A-Alex I-."

"You what, Eliza? You're sorry that this happened? Y-you're upset to see me like this? Well, I got news for you, I'm sorry too. I'm so fucking sorry but that doesn't bring John back from the grave, now does it? But oh, that's right, you're barely affected by this because John was hardly your friend at all. So, because you're doing just fine you expect me to be too."

"N-now Alexander, I never said that," Eliza defended, taking an uneasy step towards her friend whose words wounded her like a bullet. 

"Yeah well that doesn't matter because I know that it's the truth. Honestly, I don't understand what you were thinking when you came here? That we'd eat ice cream and hug and cry? This isn't some stupid b-rated movie. This is real life, and in real life, things don't work out." The tears were now flowing freely, slipping down his reddened face as he sniffled, squeezing his eyes shut and wiping them with his hand. "So ... you can just go." The option seems safer than anything else to Eliza, no longer being bombarded with the negativity she thought she'd be prepared for, but even so, she stays rooted in place, shaking her head.

"No." The word comes out firm, authorities. Alexander opens his bleary eyes to see her standing with her hands on her hips.

"N-no?" Eliza nodded surely, taking a couple uneasy steps towards Alexander, only to have him curl in on himself more so.

"That's what I said, Alexander," she said, momentarily shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath before opening them again, "I may not know what it's like to lose someone that close to me, and I'm sorry that I don't grasp this like you do, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to help you and it doesn't mean that John wasn't my friend. I cared about him, just like a care about you. So, if you think for a second that I'm going to leave you to wallow in your sadness alone, your wrong. Because you don't deserve to be alone right now, and I don't care if you think that you don't need me because I'm staying." Alexander bit down on his lip, turning away as Eliza sat down next to him on the couch and burying his face in his hands and sniffling.

The absence of words stretched out for a long while, Alexander crying as Eliza slowly rubbed gentle circles into the small of his back as he looked the other way, not at all prepared to meet her kind eyes. She didn't say anything, knowing in this moment that nothing she could say would ease his pain. He tried to will himself to believe that he didn't need her and that he didn't want Eliza there with him, but he knew deep down that she was right and was thankful that she was still there.

"W-we were going to get married soon, Lizzy. W-we were looking at a h-house we'd buy when we got o-out of school. We had m-made so many plans." Eliza nodded solemnly.

"I know, Alex. I know."

"H-he was my everything. S-still is," he said, sitting up straighter and suddenly shaking more violently, alarming Eliza. "He was who kept me going, Eliza. B-but now he's gone ... and i-it's my fault."

"Alex, no, it isn't ..." she said, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. He shook his head.

"It is, though. It doesn't matter that you and everyone else lie to me and say that there was nothing more I could've done but I know it isn't true. He was dead before he even got to the hospital." Eliza blinked.

"How did you -."

"The doctors told me. Someone hit him with their car a-and ..." he paused, shuddering as a sob racked his body, ".... A-and left him for dead. I-I could've gone with him to that party o-or told him not to g-go but I didn't. I j-just let him o-out of my life forever. I-I just let him die." The final word was caught in his throat coming out barely audibly and shaking Alexander to his very core. Eliza was speechless, frantically searching for something, anything she could say in response but then he begins speaking again, sniffling as he sobs, pushing her away. "John w-was my reason to be alive. I lived for John, Eliza. A-and now ... he's not here anymore. What else do I have to live for?"

For the first time since Eliza had first entered Alexander's apartment, she turned her head to notice what was sitting on the table, partially obstructed by several papers.

A gun.

A pistole laid on its side on the table in Alexander's dining area, and by the looks of the opened box of bullets beside it, she was fairly sure it was loaded. Eliza felt her blood run cold as her eyes fixated on the weapon laid out casually in her best friend's home. Her best friend who's just lost his fiancé. Her best friend who just said he's got nothing left to live for.

"A-Alex ...?" Alexander chewed on his lip, looking up to see her eyes trained on the gun he'd forgotten that he had left out and he sighed deeply, knowing he was now in a world of trouble.

"Eliza ... thanks for coming, but I-I think I'll take it from here. I'll see you soon but I -."

"No!" Eliza shouts, her voice going horse as tears pool in her eyes and her heart beat rapidly. She reached out to clamp a hand around Alexander's wrist and then the other. The grieving man shook and thrashed, trying to escape.

"Eliza, l-let go of me!"

"Absolutely not!" She fired back, feeling her insides hallow as her cheeks are warmed with the welcome of fresh tears, "I will not leave you alone. Not w-with that here a-and you talking the way that you a-are. I ... I can't."

"Eliza, please," Alexander pleaded, still shaking, "I ....... I wasn't even going to do it for sure. I've – I've just thought about it. I-I hardly have."

"'Wasn't even going to do it for sure' doesn't mean you wouldn't. D-doesn't mean you won't. Jesus, Alexander, do y-you know how devastated e-everyone would be if you left us too?" Alexander shook his head, crying alongside Eliza.

"I-I don't know! I can't think about that, I h-have to think about myself and I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm ....... I'm sorry." Eliza suddenly lets go of Alexander's wrist only to throw herself at him and crush him in a tight hug, burying her face in the gap between his shoulder and neck, avoiding any chance of his escaping.

"Alex, y-you need to try. W-we can't ... I can't even fathom what it would be like not having you around," Eliza cried, clinging tightly, desperately to her friend, trembling like a leaf. Alexander could feel her tears soaking through his shirt, her arms securely around his waist. He felt simply deplorable for making someone as sweet as Eliza break down, but he was just so fucking tired. He wasn't sure how much longer he could hang on without John. He had been telling the truth, too. He wasn't entirely sure that he would've gone through with it if Eliza hadn't shown up. Perhaps he would've, perhaps he wouldn't have. Despite everything, the emptiness in his chest and the way it seemed his thoughts were stacked against him, he was thankful to have her there.

"I'm ... I'm sorry," he muttered softly after a long moment of extensive silence, "for worrying you, I mean. I didn't mean to scare you." Eliza took a deep breath, moving so that their eyes met.

"It's alright, Alex. I get that ... that you're dealing with a lot. B-but, I'm still glad that I came." Alexander quirked his lip up in the slightest of smiles though it was quick to disappear.

"Me too, Lizzy. Me too." Eliza moved to wipe the tears from Alexander's face, cupping his face in her hands and pressing her lips to the shell of his ear.

"His death isn't your fault, I promise you," she whispered, just loud enough for him to hear. Alexander frowned, feeling his chest slowly rise and fall as he tried his best to take even breaths.

"I .... I hope one day I believe you." Eliza sighed, hugging him once again, this time a little tighter.

"You will. I know you will."

 

The two friends stayed that way for a long time, holding each other close tangled in an embrace, Eliza clinging for dear life. They spoke softly, tension still more than a little present in the air, but it had become bearable. Eliza helped Alexander tidy up his apartment a little bit and encouraged him to clean himself up, expressing it might make him feel a little better. When he was in the shower she had made sure to unload the gun and put it in her purse along with the bullets. She knew that it wasn't a guarantee that it would stop him from going through with it, there were other means of carrying out that grime action after all, but at least she'd eliminated one of them. She'd made a promise to herself that she'd keep a watchful eye over Alexander and try and take care of him as best she could. There was no promise that she could assure his eventual return of happiness, but she'd be damned if she didn't try. Because yes, perhaps he wouldn't get better and things would end bitterly, but at the same time there was a chance that through her and other friends being by his side slowly but surely could assist him in this trying time and convince him that there was so much more to live for, that John would want him to carry on. That was the chance she decided she'd work for.

=+=


End file.
